That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
She told him that she never wanted to see him again then took his takeout box of bacon cheddar fries and got in the uber saying "for feminism"
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
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