I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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