so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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