toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
