so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
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