I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
Are we still banned from the library?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
