Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
In America we eat man semen.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
