Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
do you believe in love at first sight?
awwwwww =)
yea.. so can i have your sisters number? thanks!
This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
He's hot....knda sweaty, drunk smells like feet....but he's hung like a whale....so in other words totally your type
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
you know it was a good night when you wake up with a medal around your neck
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