I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Randomize
