I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Bring a bathing suit for the glitter slip n slide
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I'm gonna fight the coyote
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
