and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Randomize
