So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Randomize
