Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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