Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
