he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
He simply fell in the fire, rolled out and continued to finish his bottle of vodka. Everyone else instantly sobered up just watching it.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
How many times do I have to tell you I'm not bisexual.
.....unless there is alcohol involved
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
