So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
How does she give head with a nose like that? It looks like she has a plantain stuck in the middle of her face.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
well it was naive of you to actually think you're the only bday sex he had lined up for him today. I'm just suprised he actually had a line forming outside of his room
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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