i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
