I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
