I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
If you can't do the LSAT hung over. You can't do the LSAT. That's the real practice.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
