i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
Lmfao a voicemail screaming about you partying with your tits out and a text at 3 am saying you went too crazy... this should be a good one
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
Randomize
