If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
