you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Randomize
