forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
last night I thought his shirt said yale... but this morning it definitely says old navy.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Couch. On fire.
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