I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Randomize
