It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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