I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Weirdly I'm doing ok, but I've tested positive for chlamydia, I wanted to let you know
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
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