I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
