I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just faked an orgasm while masturbating. Idk what exactly my problem is but I have one
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
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