i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
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