What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
he just stuck his car key in my belly button, made car starting noises and pretended like i was revving my engine?
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Randomize
