What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
Is it just me, or does Colt McCoy look like Herbie the Dentist from "Rudolph the Red-nosed Reindeer"?
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
