Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
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