im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Randomize
