saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
Randomize