I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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