I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Whiskey and an unstable home life is apparently the fountain that 20-something boys like to drink from.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize