there's paper in my vomit.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
idk man, I was fucked up and eating fried rice at the grocery store, tried to wave at her but she just looked concerned at me.
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
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