Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Question: would Brian be pissed if I brought his 17 year old sister as my date to the wedding?
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Drunk is a universal language darling
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
