tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I now have a full length bright red cape in my possession. Best sex trophy ever.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
