you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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