Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
Jake died.
WTF????????? That's how you tell me????
Oops typo. Jake cried.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
