"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
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