apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
Randomize
