Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
smell my finger.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
