His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
My life has hit a new low, I just licked MDMA of someone's bed.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
May have told my history professor I wanted him to stuff me like a turkey. Too slutty?
Nah, people appreciate the creativity of seasonal sluttiness. Let me know if it works!!!
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