i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
