Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
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