I just pynch a tree in the face
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
