***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
