dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
