Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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