So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
