party is dying down. we just wrote whore in the yard with gas. Photos to come.
He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
If I had your ass I would rule the world
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
