alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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