I wish I could punch you in the face.
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
