Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
