You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
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