There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Randomize
