I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
smoked weed with Joakim Noah last night....if he was half as fast to the basket as he is to grab a joint from me we'd have another championship on our hands
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
