So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
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