My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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