Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
